I have always prided myself on not being a people pleaser. I mean I easily say ‘no’, I don’t feel the need to change my plans or put other’s needs before mine. I don’t let people push me into another point of view or feel pressured to do something I don’t want to, and I am happier to spend time in my own company rather than spend time with people I don’t like.
Aren’t people pleasers soft, wishy washy and are an easy pushover, always putting other people above their own needs and flip flopping their opinions to be liked? That’s not me.
At the same time, I have always prided myself on being a chameleon, able to adapt my style and personality to whatever the prevailing tone of group I am in. I thought this was evidence of my adaptable communication skills. I even have it in my resume – ‘able to communicate effectively with all levels from executive presentations to team members to stakeholder engagement’. So it must be true.
Then I read a meme on Instagram that stopped me in my tracks.
‘I have accidentally spent all my life making sure everyone else around me feels comfortable, only to realise I never felt comfortable the whole time” @yasminbrooke1
Bam!
It hit me that I have spent my entire life making sure other people feel comfortable while I feel constantly uncomfortable. Isn’t that people pleasing? Am I a people pleaser?
I don’t do it to because I have a highly attuned empathy for other’s wellbeing. Yes, I care, but I am not the nurturer or caregiver archetype. So I started to dig a little deeper and ask a few questions.
Is it because I project my own social anxiety and inner discomfort onto others and so assume they feel the same anxiousness? When really the person whose inner world I know is me, and therefore the only person I should be ensuring is comfortable is me. For all I know others might actually being absolutely fine and not experiencing the internal discomfort that I am experiencing.
Is it because I still operate under the Trauma ShadowsTM that tell me I am unlovable unless I am perfect, fearing rejection and non-acceptance? So again, it is not about people pleasing per say but about me doing everything I can to not do anything that might result in rejection.
Is it because I genuinely care too much about others’ feelings? I don’t think so. Like I said above, I am caring enough but my natural personal is not the nurturer or caregiver. I am quite empathic in terms of reading energy, reading the room if you like but this is a trauma response rather than altruistic motivation.
Is it because deep down I don’t feel I belong and desperately want to belong. Quite possibly. However as Brenè Brown points out there is a distinction between belonging and fitting in. Fitting in requires us to adapt ourselves to the current situation or group vibe where as belonging requires nothing of us. It comes from deep authenticity, self-acceptance and connection. I am good at fitting in but belonging feels distant and just out of reach.
Is it because I have built a wall of protection so high that pretending to be someone I am not, is easier and safer that exposing my true self. Highly likely.
High functioning anxiety and c-PTSD encourages the development of personas, that are put forward as the representation of who we are. Personas provide distance and help to keep the situation calm and safe. Making sure others are comfortable provides less chance of confrontation, which must be avoided at all costs. Making sure others feel heard and encouraging them to speak makes me a good listener but also ensures there is little chance for others to become to interested in me so I can continue to keep the persona intact.
Maybe it is all of the above.
The common theme in all those possible reasons is belonging. For people with c-PTSD there can be a deep sense of not belonging and deeply rooted fear of rejection. The perception that belonging is only for others and to feel accepted, seen and heard you must try extra hard to have people see how wonderful and like them you really are. Alternately you build an emotional wall so freakin’ high you come off as arrogant, rude and unknowable.
I think I dance the tightrope between those extremes of trying to blend in yet staying not truly knowable. I had a colleague say to me many years ago – ‘everybody really likes you, but nobody really knows you’.
Balancing setting boundaries and being open can be really challenging if you have an insecure attachment style that creates a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Pushing people away and keeping them at a distance while simultaneously wanting them to love and accept you.
I am still processing how this exploration of people pleasing sits with me, as this is an descriptor I do not want to identify with. It rubs uncomfortably against self-perception of being impervious to the opinions of others.
I invite you to become aware of your hidden people pleasing which masquerades as the chameleon, forever changing your colours to meet the needs of the person standing before you.
Stay groovy
Kim
